Today’s Metro Lesson: Metro Does Science

Air Quality Control at its finest

After three weeks of No Diet Coke at Soviet Safeway, I finally stopped praying for a Big Miracle, sucked it up and just went to the Harris Teeter a few Metro stops away. Sure, it’s a lot of effort for soda, but I am a junkie. I needed that Diet Coke. I mean I really, really, really needed it. Otherwise, I was pretty sure Commuter Homicide was in my future. But that’s another store. The point is, I was returning from a successful Diet Coke Recon Mission and was lugging twelve 24 packs in my Giant Wire Shopping Trolley. (Yes, I know I got a wee bit carried away when I realized that Diet Coke is not actually a Grocery Store Myth and it is in fact something purchasable.) Oh, and I got groceries, too. So, there I was: struggling along the Rosslyn Metro Station platform with a million pounds of food and Caffeinated Bliss, about to have a lung seizure, inhaling Super Breathes of Metro Air, when I noticed something. There was a Little Blue Box labeled Air Monitor tucked under the stairs. Um, panic?

Personally, I find an Air Monitor to be a cause for alarm and I demand An Explanation. Especially when I just sucked in ten tons of the air being tested. I mean, if I am going to die in a Metro Related Manner, I would rather it not take a Silent-Springs-Inhaled-Too-Much-Metro-Exhaust form. I’d much rather go out in a Spectacular Fashion involving the Third Electric Rail Line. Also, I am a little concerned that this Ghettoistic Contraption is actually considered to be a Legitimate Scientific Instrument by the fine folks at Metro Central. Granted, I do Lawyerly Things and only passed high school physics because Katie Owen let me cheat, but any Reasonable Person knows that Science Equipment should have dials and knobs and maybe glowing bits. This box does not look nearly Sciency Enough. Plus, to my Untrained Eye, there appears to be a copper wire thing coming out of the top. Is that really a Good Idea, Metro? It’s only a matter of time before some Enterprising Soul salvages that wire for extra fare money, thus screwing up any smidgeon of Scientific Validity the Blue Box was otherwise going to achieve. And one more thing: when I called the Questions Number listed on the Blue Box, nobody answered. Yet the Highly Official Laminated Paper says to call 24 hours a day. Typical. I guess I will have to ask my question here: 

Is Metro Air giving Riders some freaky form of Toe Nail Cancer? And if so, does the cure involve drinking copious amounts Diet Coke? If so, I’m totally Golden.


The Air Thingie

The Air Thingie





One Response to “Today’s Metro Lesson: Metro Does Science”

  1. E Says:

    There’s a part of me that agrees with the expectation of knobs and other gizmos, and fifty percent of that part of me is sitting back and waiting to hear that the little blue cosmetic case reject there is… an art installment.

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