Today’s Metro Lesson: Let’s Make Metro Better!

For no apparent reason other than:

1. I am avoiding Real Work and

2. I am consequently bored and

3. It’s a Long Weekend so I feel the urge to post something that might contribute to the Good of the Populous, I going to throw out some Suggestions on How to Make Metro Better.

Brace yourself.

First, I think it’s an Universally Acknowledged Truth that Metro doors don’t function like elevator doors. They close and stay that way even if a bag or stroller or my butt is still between them. Once they have begun to shut, the only way to get them open again is with Arms of Hercules. The Ridership is well aware of this situation thanks to Metro’s Education Efforts. Things like PSAs broadcast in the stations and warning signs in trains have gone a long way to raising Public Awareness. And in case anybody has tuned out Metro’s efforts, there is always the Helpful Commuter willing to call a person a Dumb Ass when they get caught in a door. But despite all this, Door Diving still occurs. I don’t know why. It just happens. And on behalf of everybody who has been a victim of Metro’s Death Doors, I would like to humbly propose a solution: Metro outta get some new doors. No, not doors that function like their elevator kin. If that happened, a train would never be able to leave the platform because everybody would try to sneak in last minute. It’d be a never-ending case of open and shut. Instead, Metro needs doors with an electric current. If a person tries to enter once the Doors Closing Message has sounded, BAM! There’s a little dose of Metro Love. It’ll solve the Door Diving problem. Guaranteed.

But Door Diving isn’t the only Annoying Thing On Metro. There’s so much more. For example, there’s people who take up an extra seat with big bags during Rush Hour, the Litter Bugs, and the folks who think Rock Concert is an acceptable headphone volume. It’s all a form of Metro Rudeness and these people need to be stopped. So, let’s try this solution: $5 for the average SmartTrip Card; $25 for SmartTrip Card tricked out with an Idiot Dart Gun! Then, if a fellow Rider is being immensely irritating, rude, or otherwise obnoxious, just point that little dart gun and fire. I consider it a Gentle Reminder to Do Unto Others. Also, it might be nice to have a “Three Darts and You’re Out” policy. Of course, it would be standard to issue the Metro Police the Anti-Idiot Super Striker version versus the Basic Commuter Model.

Also, I would like to acknowledge how clean Metro is. Snaps to all the hardworking Metro Trash People! Your efforts are recognized! I know that compared to mass transit in Chicago or NYC, our Metro is a Germless Heaven. Still, I miss being able to bring my morning Diet Coke on the train. Commuting without sufficient caffeine intake does not make for Good Times. Thus, I humbly suggest that Metro offer Caffeine IV drip thingies. With commuters mainlining their morning dose, there’ll be a lot more General Commuter Happiness. Heck, get Starbucks involved and watch a Mass Transit Revolution begin.

Next, separate cars for tourists. Self explanatory.

With tourists in their Own Special Area, it’ll put a dent in the Screaming Kid Problem. But there will still be some random Kid Riders. Sure, I generally like children but those Riders who have dealt with Another Person’s (Howling) Bundle of Joy during peak commute time know that kids and Metro don’t mix. While I am tempted to suggest a Total Child Ban, I realize there might be some impracticalities involved (re: upset parents). In the alternative, I think Metro should begin the distribution of Ritalin to the Wee Riders. That should calm ‘em down. If not, there’s always Vicodin.

Once the Child Problem is adressed, next on Metro’s Fix It List should be Cell Phone Talkers. The proposed policy: Cell phone conversations are fine. But only if conducted in American Sign Language.

And I think Metro should investigate a new Promotional Concept. Sort of like Metro’s own special version of Happy Hour. Let’s call it Free Grope Friday! It’ll be understood that between certain predetermined hours on Friday, anybody who cops a feel can be slapped, kicked, or otherwise beat down by the molested. No questions asked. No assault charges filed. It’s just payback for being pervy. It’ll be fun.

Finally, at each station platform, I would like to see vending machines which dispense the following:

1. Deodorant

2. Inflatable Personal Space Bubbles

3. Nose Plugs

4. Anti-bacterial Wipes

5. Idiot Dart Gun Refills

6. These

7. Leave Me Alone Signs

8. ESOL books so nobody approaches you for directions

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