The gChat Diaries

The random things people have said lately…

Jill: I think my copy machine is in a union. Might explain why it won’t work.

*

Me: It’s not nuts. It’s American.

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RR: I have my inner soundtrack.
Me: You have a soundtrack, I have a dialogue…

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Bekah: BTW, Tropical Fruit Trident is really good.

Me: Meh. I prefer my gum minty. And from the Makers Of Orbitz.

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Me: Oh! I’ll use wheat noodles! That screams “I am posh!” Right?

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Jill: I bet Metro with a tazer would be fun.

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Me: That’s how I was with the Kardashians show. Me, a marathon, couldn’t stop.

Debi: Oh God. Never admit that again.

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Me: As a rule, my life is sucktastic and this here event does not qualify as sucktastical. So, when does the sucktacular come to town?

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Me: Breathalyzers should be attached to all forms of technology. It’ll be a public service. A new way to prevent the drunk dial, the drunk email, you know, the ways we all manage to embarrass ourselves after the vodka’s kicked in.

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Him: I’m going straight.

Me: Then lose the pink popped collar.

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Me: The X-2. Sandwich perfection, with a side of Avocado.

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Friend running for something vaguely political: So my cousin offered to help me go door-to-door…but she wants a job if I get elected. I’m like, I need the jobs to bribe the people who AREN’T obligated to help me because they’re my FAMILY.

Me: So undying love is not enough to get someone to pass out fliers?

Friend running for something vaguely political: Apparently not.

*

Me: That’s selfless sacrifice. Are you sure you want to?

Deb: Meh. I’ll just bring booze.

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G-Chat Buddy: Did you know you can buy pee test strips at Wal-Mart? You know, for drug testing.

Me: Seriously?

G-Chat Buddy: Yes. And I have also been told you can get three step kits for getting cocaine out of your system.

Me: Well, that’s handy.

(a minute goes by)

Me: Porno?

G-Chat Buddy: How about Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy?

Me: They really have got everything.

*

Me: I got seven hits to my blog in a row from freaking Congress. Looks like the Senate flunkies are bored. Shouldn’t people at those places be doing real work and not reading my blog during work hours?

G-Chat Pal: Staffers are bored too, yo.

Me: Sure, but save the environment or something instead.

G-Chat Pal: But saving the environment v. reading your blog…I don’t think they’ll find that choice difficult. I Mean, f*ck you dolphins, f*ck you! Katherine almost drowned her cat…hahahaha.

Me: Wonder what they were like when that white bangle tiger ate Roy?

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3 Responses to “The gChat Diaries”

  1. Laina Says:

    Oh honey…what’s a bangle tiger?

    You know I love you right? In spite of not being one of the nearest and dearest that got to hear about the date. 😉

  2. kjohnsonesq Says:

    My mind is fully occupied with Important Legal Stuff and has no room for trivial crap. Besides, they want to be Bangle Tigers so much more than Bengal Tigers. You know they do.

  3. Dom Says:

    I simply adore this blog. There’s something incomprehensibly satisfying about it.

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