Pet Peeves I Never Realized I Had Until Today During Lunch

If a place, let’s say the Borders by Farragut West, has two doors that open side by side, and people are coming out one side of the door. It’s not appropriate to wait until there is a gap in the flow of Exiters and try to sneak inside, thus causing a four person and one stroller pile up on the inside of doors. Instead, stop being lazy and open the other door. You know, the one marked “In.”

Teal pants are not acceptable. I’m just sayin’.

During the lunch rush, when the entire District is trying to grab a bite to eat in the same 60 minutes, look around before selecting a table. Eating alone? Sit at the bar along the window. Or maybe at a table designed for two. Or might I suggest you go join the other Single sitting at an otherwise empty four top table. Keep in mind that parking yourself on the opposite, far corner does not mean you have to actually interact. It just means big groups can take the other big tables. And FYI, one person at the only six seater table at Chipotle? Not OK.

Dear Jesus Freaks Standing on the Corner: Yes, I care about my immortal being and my deep and abiding relationship with God. And no, I don’t want to talk to you about my spiritual salvation. And yes, I realize if that Metro Bus hits me, I am screwed soul-wise.

Selecting a soda is not akin to Sophie’s Choice. It does not take great internal debate. Nor does it require sampling Diet Coke, Root Beer, Sprite and a mixture of Cherry Coke and water before committing to a beverage. Person Who Can Not Decide: you live in America, Land of Plenty. Haven’t you drunk them all 8 million times before? Pick one and fill, for cryin’ out loud.

I have a big butt. After all, it was corn-fed in the Midwest for many long years. It’s healthy and robust and very perky. That being said, I am aware of where it is at all times. When trying to make my way between rows of tables, I am particularly careful to avoid smashing my toosh into the faces of people sitting. Heck, I even try to avoid bumping their drinks/burrito/salsa into their laps. I figure it’s the polite thing to do. So please, extend the courtesy.

Dear Greenpeace Peeps Standing on the Corner: Yes, I do care about the environment. And no, I don’t want to talk to you deforestation or the baby seals or the carbon footprint of my iPod.

Every third woman in this town is reading one of the Twilight books. When spotting a fellow Twilight reader, who is also a stranger, do not ask who her favorite character is. Do not ask if she’s aware that a movie is coming out. Do not ask how it ends. Do not ask is she believes in vampires. Do not ask why she is using an old receipt for a bookmark. Do not ask anything. You are interrupting precious reading time. Go away.

If the fine people from M&Ms are promoting their new ice cream bar things, don’t demand a Green One. First, because they’re free. Second, because they don’t make green. Third, because they are free. Fourth, because other people are waiting to get their own ice cream and they understand concepts like “please” and “thank you” and “holding up a line.” Fifth, because they are free. Take a red and lay off the college intern (who was in no way responsible for determining product color) handing them out.

When the cashier compliments your necklace, a simple “thanks” is the perfect response. She was not asking for a verbal dissertation on how you purchased it in Malaysia while you were saving the world with the Peace Corp, which where incidentally the best years of your life because you hadn’t sold out to The Man and why you still support Micro-Financing or would if you weren’t spending all your money on knock-off Prada bags from the street vendor, but isn’t that a way to support small business as well, and thus you really are empowering the Individual sort of like you did in Malaysia when you bought the necklace?

Dear DNC/RNC Flunkies Standing on the Corner: Yes, I care about the political process. And no, I don’t want to talk to you about Great Political Decisions I am about to make, no matter how much it will determine the course of the Glorious Future.

Kicking the Schitzo Homeless Guy off the bench so you can sit there is not mannerly. Or probably hygienic.


One Response to “Pet Peeves I Never Realized I Had Until Today During Lunch”

  1. ashley Says:

    oh man. chipotle on M? i hear you. i hate when ONE PERSON sits at the giant table. take it outside, man.

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