Today’s Metro Lesson: Stay on the Platform

Every morning, there is that person who runs for the Metro, only to have the doors close in their face. And some days, there is the super athletic runner person who makes it on board, sliding through the door like they are covered in Astroglide, just as the doors shut behind them. Then there is me.

As a rule, I am not the person who sprints for the door, because really, it’s not so fun to see a Midwestern Husky Girl (yeah, that’s apparently the polite, new euphemism for fat) do the waddle-run. I am slow. I don’t like exertion. I am anti-exercise. There is only so much early morning energy I am willing to dedicate to catching the Metro. Especially, Interwebs, because there is going to be another one coming in just a few minutes. Why rush when I can just take the train arriving in two minutes? Makes perfect sense to lazy me.

But something possessed me this morning. I can’t explain what. Maybe I caught Olympic Fever. Or it could be that the Metro was just taunting me with those open doors and an unheard of near-empty car at 8:32 in the morning. Could be that I was possessed by an evil exercise demon. Whatever the reason, I suddenly found myself in Full Sprinter Mode: arms pumping, newspaper flapping in the breeze, heart rate going up. When I was two feet away, the Metro announcement about doors closing blared. At the door of the train, I heard the dingy-ding closing door bell, but I knew I could make it. After all, I had one foot on the train and the theme to Chariots of Fire was so playing in my head. I was not going to be stopped; this girl had momentum. And then the stupid doors closed. Around my fat ass. Literally.

Yup. I was trapped booty out, body in. And because my life is just peachy keen glorious, the train started to move. I kid you not. The train MOVED and my hiney was keeping the door about a foot and a half open. just to be totally clear, my butt was on the OUTSIDE of the freakin’ train. This is not supposed to happen. Trains are not supposed to move with vital body parts, like my toosh, outside the door. Where is the automatic braking system that saves tourists and daring sprinters from injury? Why was it not working? Yes, I know the Metro doors are not like elevator doors. They close, and all bets are off. But isn’t that a major liability? As the train started to move, I knew with absolute certainty, if my ass was injured in any way, if there was so much as a scratch, I was gonna sue. The legal argument came to me in one giant flash, and it was brilliant. But I digress.

As the train started to move, the look of disbelief on my face must have been indescribable. I vaguely recall mumbling, “Ohmigod, my bum is going to be shaved off by a dirty Metro tunnel.” Hysterics were in my very near future. But I was saved by some wonderfully heroic Motherly Black Lady. She reached her big old hand next to the one I was wedging around my rear in an effort at Back End Protection, and she pushed the door open one critical inch. I lunged forward into the Metro car, the Jaws Door snapping shut behind me, my back side safe and accounted for. The Motherly Black Lady turned towards me, suddenly morphing into Angry Black Woman Chewing Out the White Idiot Girl.
ABWCOUTWIG: The doors were closing. You know better. You are not a tourist. Hmmpft.

So I guess it is official. My Urban Washingtonian Girl Pass has been revoked. Because today, Nine Loyal Readers, I got my ass stuck in a MetroRail door.

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5 Responses to “Today’s Metro Lesson: Stay on the Platform”

  1. Laina Says:

    No! How do these things happen to you? Seriously?!

  2. Katherine Says:

    Don’t you see the big target on my back?

  3. Laina Says:

    LMAO, no, but I’m sure I could probably see a big black mark from the Metro doors on your ass if you were here.

  4. Metro Man Says:

    Classic!! LOL!!!

  5. Today’s Metro Lesson: Let’s Make Metro Better! « Who Invented Roses Says:

    […] don’t function like elevator doors. They close and stay that way even if a bag or stroller or my butt is still between them. Once they have begun to shut, the only way to get them open again is with […]

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