Today’s Metro Lesson: Monkey Bars Included

Yesterday around 5:15ish, I hopped an Orange line towards Vienna. Per usual, Commuter Cramming occurred and I ended up standing against the vertical pole in the middle of the aisle entrance area. There were about five or six other people grabbing that pole for support, but after being shoved mercilessly by people trying to get on behind me, I was practically straddling the thing. Directly above me, the vertical pole joined the ceiling’s horizontal grab bar. Despite the unusually dense crowd and becoming one with a pole, I settled in for the commute: iPod on, book in hand, breathe through mouth.

After about six “door closing” warnings, we were off. I was engaged in my Britney Spears Retrospective playlist when, somewhere between Foggy Bottom and Rosslyn, I noticed this strange clawing around my knee. I looked down and saw a small child grabbing my leg in one hand the pole in the other. Within about two seconds, it became clear this hellion was trying to climb the pole several commuters were hanging onto. Since I was squished against it, he was also using me as a ladder. I looked around, but the kid had no easily identifiable parental figure in the vicinity. With all the jostling of humanity that had just occurred, I knew the parent was probably around somewhere, but not close enough to keep the child in line. Within seconds, the kid had leveraged himself off the ground and was literally using my leg, torso, boob, and arm to climb. Frantically, I looked around to see if anybody else had noticed Metro Monkey. An older lady was watching and giggling. Another guy was ogling the kid’s hand, which was squeezing the bejesus out of my girly anatomy. But no parents to tell Little Johnny to get off me.

Not one to break the Universal Code of Metro Silence, I hissed at the boy: Where are your parents? Can you please get off me? Freak, that hurts, you little squirt!

He replied: I am not supposed to talk to strangers. Your face looks really strange right now.

Me, with tears of pain collecting: No shit. It might be because I have 40 pounds of Junior Olympian hanging off my boob.

Of course I got the “Ooohhhh! You said a bad word” response. By that point, he had one hand on my boob and the other was going for my hair. His foot was digging into my hip. The kid was making significant progress towards the ceiling. Finally, finally Giggling Woman saw I was (and remain) in no way equipped to deal with children, let alone one who is causing trouble.

Giggling Woman whispered: Little Boy, what are you doing? You probably should not be climbing around on the Metro, even on your mother.

Thank you for stating the obvious. Last I checked, I did not have Personal Jungle Gym stamped on my forehead. Wait.

Me, in a non-Metro approved volume: I am NOT this kid’s mother. Somebody, get your child off of me!

That got attention. By now, The Climber was on my shoulder, foot digging into my chest, hands reaching for the ceiling bar. Somebody’s hands came up towards Little Johnny. I was thrilled; at last, relief. But no! They steadied him, helped him stand on my shoulder and clutch the ceiling bar. Suddenly the hands disappeared and Junior was hanging, feet jabbing into my neck with each sway of the Metro. All I could think about was catching this kid when the Metro stopped at Rosslyn. If I didn’t, I was going to have 40 pounds of dead weight land on my neck and I just knew I would be a paraplegic.

From nowhere, an amorphous voice said: Liam, behave.

Too little, too late, Lady. Little Liam was having the Metro ride of his life, at the expense of my body and head. Just then the train jerked. Hello, Rosslyn. Liam the Monkey Child lost his grip and thanks to an Act of God, landed in my arms.

Me: Oof.

Liam: Mommy, the strange lady is touching me. Strangers aren’t supposed to touch you.

Me: Why God? Why?


3 Responses to “Today’s Metro Lesson: Monkey Bars Included”

  1. Me Says:

    Drop the little D- bag on his thin fragile little neck.

    technically it’s gravity that snaps it and you’re not culpable.

    Basically i’ve learned this afternoon (only free lunch time i’ve had all week) you need to act more like Dave.

    so next time some tool tried to make you eat sea food or a little yuppie larvae climbes on you in the metro ask yourself; what would Dave do?

    then drop kick their ass across the respective resturant or metro car depending on the circumstances.

  2. Laina Says:

    OMFG. As a mother of TWO monkey children, I would never ever let them behave that way. Maybe it’s the hillbilly in me, but I can’t imagine letting go of either of them on a crowded Metro for fear that one of the charming bits of humanity you’re always talking about would fondle them or worse. WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?! Licensing. Parental licensing. We needs it bad in this country.

  3. michelle Says:

    I would have let him fall on the ground!

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