Wasabi: Modern Japanese Death

Why is my dating karma so bad? Did I totally break Russell Arnold’s heart in fifth grade and that one incident is coming back in my late 20’s? Keep in mind he did beat me in a run-off for student council president and I understandably had my ego bruised. Of course I wasn’t going to marry him under the monkey bars on the day he beat me. Marriage is not an appropriate consolation prize for the loss of the presidency of New Argoner Elementary. So that can’t be where this bad dating karma is coming from, right? The only other theory that makes any sense is that one day, while I’m still in my childbearing years, I am going to meet and marry Michael Rosenbaum or Leonardo DiCaprio. Or both of them. Seriously. After all this and especially this and maybe this Cupid owes me big time.

My dating life is such a wreck that my friends have begun to wonder what’s wrong. In fact, it’s so awful that while talking about my latest Dating Adventure with a friend, she literally stopped in the middle of a crosswalk, doubled over, and dropped her bag because she was laughing so hard. While I appreciate that everybody finds humor in the episode I now refer to as Wasabi: Modern Japanese Death, was it really funny enough to warrant that reaction? Dude, this is my life. No wonder I am becoming increasingly caustic when it comes to Love.

Let me put the Wasabi date out there, World Wide Interweb, and maybe next time Cupid will take pity on me…

Once again, I put my faith in Dr. Neil Patrick Whatever of eHarmony. Partially because I am a sucker, partially because I like vetting date candidates before I commit to spending time with them, and mainly because I still have two months left on my subscription. This guy looked promising; normal looking, employed, and a fan of the Buckeyes. We talked a few times on the phone, exchanged a few emails and he came off as intelligent and moderately funny. Eventually, we decided to meet for dinner one night after work. Locations for our meal were discussed and we decided on a steak house. So far, so good.

Date Night came, I beautified after work, and went to the restaurant. He was waiting outside. After the usual “are you So-and-So” awkwardness, Date Boy informed me that he had decided we shouldn’t eat at the steak house. Instead, we were going to Wasabi. Um, problem. I am allergic to anything that has been in the sea. Fish, crab, whatever. It all gives me hives and occasionally makes me swell up like the Marshmallow Man until my windpipe closes and I see Jesus. I had told him about this when we were picking a restaurant and he had initially suggested sushi. At the time, Date Boy was all “it can’t be that bad, you aren’t really allergic, are you?” Should have seen the warning sign right there. But of course, I am too slow to pick up on these things until somebody hits me over the head with a big, red flag on a 20-foot pole. Anyhoodles, I again told him about my allergy and asked if Wasabi had chicken, beef or anything I could eat. I was under the impression Wasabi basically had sushi (aka death rolled in rice) and that was it. He assured me I would be able to eat there. So, off went Too Trusting Katherine and her date.

Standing outside Wasabi, Date Boy decided he was going to introduce me to the Goodness That Is Sushi. According to him, a person hasn’t lived until they’ve had a California Roll. I thanked him for his willingness to introduce me to this all important gastronomic experience, but again politely explained that I can’t eat sushi. Date Boy’s response was along the lines of “but you’ll like it and I’m sure you won’t have a reaction.” Not one for subtly at this point, I referred to sushi as Death on a Plate. He let the matter drop and we went inside. Before we went to get our food from the little conveyor thing they have at Wasabi, I decided to take a potty break. Date Boy said he’d grab my beef sashimi for me while I was in the loo. Off Trusting Katherine went, yet again.

I came back to a big plate of Death Rolls. At that point, I decided to bail. This guy clearly wanted to make me eat sushi and then cap the night off with a trip to the ER. Not my idea of a good time. I explained to him that I was going to leave, and why. Sure, there was a bit of irritation in my voice, but I still think I was nice about it under the circumstances. But he thought I wasn’t being reasonable. In the middle of Wasabi, he stood up and announced that:

1. I was not going to ditch him when he had paid for my dinner. Please Note: At that point he hadn’t paid.

2. I was a (not nice word) and a (another not nice word) who was fat and the only reason he went out with me was because I had big boobies. Please Note: I am not a (not a nice word) or a (another not a nice word). Yes, I am not an ideal body weight but that’s my issue, Buddy. And my boobies are beautiful, thank you very much.

3. I could go to hell. Please Note: You too, Date Boy!

It took everything I had not to pour my water on his head. So yeah, dating isn’t going very well.

Legalish Disclaimer: I am sure Wasabi makes very fine sushi for all those who can eat it and they don’t induce death except maybe to those who are allergic. And that’s not their fault. How’s that for a legalese? See what fine CYAing $100K education can lead to?

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6 Responses to “Wasabi: Modern Japanese Death”

  1. Laina Says:

    WOW. Just WOW. Lucky to escape that one, honey. Not only was he apparently trying to kill you, but he was just a big dick. Better to find out early.

  2. Me Says:

    What an F’n tool.

    Maybe you should start carrrying mace/ peper spray/ tazer and dole out “attitude adjustments” with extreme prejudice.

    couldn’t you clain self defence? he was trying to force you into an anaphylactic shock after all.

  3. Wherein I go crazy and enter a contest « Who Invented Roses Says:

    […] there was the guy who tried to make me eat Sushi despite my […]

  4. E Says:

    Next time, dump the water over the head.

  5. michelle Says:

    i agree with E dump the drink… it really is fun! ( I did it once waaaay back in college…though it led to me getting tossed out of a club… but now I at least have my “I got thrown out of a club” story)

  6. The Girl Says:

    Holy cow, that’s insane. Though, thanks for sharing ’cause that was my first big laugh of the day. I’m so, so sorry you actually had to live through that, though.

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