Bionic Laundry, or How I Almost Drowned My Cat

utilizing the washer

Bionic Kitty's latest attempt at suicide: utilizing the washer

I know I have a rather loud washing machine. After all, it is older than I am and understandably, it protests its continued use. Each cycle brings fun blatunk, sqeege, and pshoom sounds. I once ran it while a friend was over and she asked me if it was possessed or about to blow up. But, it gets the job done and despite my best efforts to break the darn thing so my landlord has to replace it, it’s going strong. In order to lessen the distraction and interruptions the noise causes, I tend to run it at night and around 10:23 this evening, I realized I needed to do a load. Sure, it was late, but when you need clean undies, you need clean undies. While having a marathon “what were you thinking?” phone session with a friend, I sorted my massive pile of laundry. Eventually, I had filled the machine with darks, added detergent and then let it sit with the lid open while I talked. About 20 minutes later, I was finished yapping, shut the washer lid, and turned it on.

I walked away as the washer began to fill and grabbed the TV remote. After about five minutes of MSNBC, I heard the strangest sound. Sort of death cry of a Swiss yodeling girl meets hysterical donkey bray. Then, the lid to the washer started thunking. It was almost like the washer was attempting to eject the clothes. I hightailed it to the kitchen, only to find water all over the floor. Of course I thought, “Oh holy Moses, the effing thing has exploded the mother water feeder thingie.” In thirty seconds, I had opened the washer lid to shut it off and was on the kitchen counter (my washer/dryer is a stack-able that lives in the kitchen, across from the Older Than Job Frigidaire). I was trying to move the stack-able and simultaneously sandwich my massive butt behind it so I could turn the main water valve off, when I heard the most mournful, pitiful yowl. I looked over and inside the machine was Bionic Kitty: wet, sputtering, with a pair of lacy undies on her head. She attempted to jump out but, just as I thought she would make it, the weight of the wet clothes and the water pulled her back in.

That’s the point where I lost it. Total hysterical laughter. Bionic Kitty gave me the most perfect F*ck You In A Massively Big Way look and I swear, she emitted a snobbish sniff. I got off the counter and reached for her. The cat was having none of that. Instead, she gave a massive heave, somehow jumped from inside the drum, went over my shoulder and landed on the counter. She was off at Warp Speed and ran straight under my bed. There she remains, yowling like somebody stole her Friskies. I can’t sleep between the noise she’s making and the spin cycle. I guess it’s the universe’s way of making me pay for almost drowning my cat.

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5 Responses to “Bionic Laundry, or How I Almost Drowned My Cat”

  1. gChat Buddy Says:

    OMG!!!!!!!! Bionic!!! She lives up to her name. Sheesh. Poor *big* thing.

  2. DCBlogs » DC Blogs Noted Says:

    […] blogger does a last-minute load of laundry but forgets to remove pet cat from washing machine. Cat decides to howl bloody murder rather than sing “Tiny Bubbles.” Film at 11:00. Link […]

  3. Mr. T in DC Says:

    Poor kitty! Glad she’s OK. We have a baby gate in front of ours, but it’s a different setup in our house so probbaly wouldn’t do much for you.

  4. Watch my bl-ego grow! « Who Invented Roses Says:

    […] blogger does a last-minute load of laundry but forgets to remove pet cat from washing machine. Cat decides to howl bloody murder rather than sing “Tiny Bubbles.” Film at 11:00. Link at Who […]

  5. Me Says:

    F’n funny.

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