Tuesday Nights Will Never Be The Same

I have the television viewing habits of a prepubescent female or a gay man. Yeah, I know it’s not ideal for a woman of my age or marital status, but nonetheless, I proudly stand behind my minor additions to the Arbitron Ratings. Alas, my Tuesday night line up is no more. Gilmore Girls, Veronica Mars and American Idol (with a side or Real World/Road Rules Challenge): canceled, cancelled, on hiatus until January (and not on tonight). I feel a little hollow inside.

In an effort to pass these empty minutes, I’ve compiled a List of Things To Do Now That The Night of Television Greatness Has Ceased To Be:

1. Look at pictures of a young David Hasselhoff online. What a hunk.

2. Clean out refrigerator science experiments. Wonder if Bionic Kitty will eat any of them.

3. Turn on a rerun of The Pussy Cat Dolls: Search For The Next Doll (which has replaced the wonder that was Veronica Mars) in order to mock and deride the show which embodies the desecration of TV. Become fascinated by the ability of a person to dance in wedgie inducing hot pants and 14 inch heels. When come to senses, mentally chastise self for watching something so low brow. Then, continue watching because there is nothing else on. Plus, this is Quality Crasness.

4. Play the video of Miss America falling over and over and over. Compare to last Friday’s Post-Bar Incident. Feel better. After all, she was sober.

5. Fantasize about a conversation between John Mayer and Dawson Leery. Pee pants laughing at excessive amount of suppressed homoerotic overtones and Jennifer Love Hewitt references.

6. Turn on LED time display on new high-tech alarm clock. Angle so LED displays time on the wall in green. Flash hand in front of display. Watch Bionic Kitty throw herself repeatedly at wall in response to repeated commands to “sic it!”

7. Roast marshmallows over grill in 88 degree weather.

8. Karaoke in front of bathroom mirror to radio song so old it can no longer be unidentified mentally as anything besides “that Spice Girls song.” While wearing a purple face mask with white from different type of mask cunningly placed in T-zone. Have hair escaping from attempt to pull back from forehead with 8 little barrettes because headband is MIA. (Hair+Face Mask=Very Boy George.) Then, grab shampoo bottle for mic. This is one of those times a hair brush just won’t do it. Walk forcefully out of bathroom up and down hallway singing about wannabeing something something something aaaaahhhhh. Scary Spice impression: complete.

9. Paint toes alternating between green and orange. It’s a tribute to a football team. While not aware of which one, but know there must be one. Go team.

10. Alphabetize spices. Ponder if normal salt and kosher salt should be separated. Realize Tuesday night has sunk to a new low.

I did all these things tonight. Yes, indeedy.

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2 Responses to “Tuesday Nights Will Never Be The Same”

  1. Laina Says:

    Your Scary Spice impression can’t be complete till you get knocked up by Eddie Murphy. 😉

  2. Minta Matias Says:

    Good post, thanks a lot!

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