The V-Day Gameplan, Part One

I went to the grocery store the other day and there was an entire section devoted to love and conversation heart candies. While I’m all about eating food which says, “You’re HOT!” (how did it know?), the impending doom that is the curse of being a single girl on Valentine’s Day is not something I’m too geeked about. Each year, it seems I am always single on the Big Day of Love. I have this knack for dating somebody right after V-Day or breaking up with them literally hours before. Consequently, I’ve never done the traditional Valentine’s Day exchange of presents, dinner, making out, etc. And frankly, I am beginning to resent this. Not because I really want a lame bouquet somebody picked up from Kroger’s at the last minute or because I am a fan of stuffed animals. (Note to all men: do NOT buy me a stuffed animal. Ever. I will laugh at you and if it is holding a heart, and especially one with a saying on the heart, I will break up with you) It’s more that when my friends and people at work ask me what I did this year to celebrate, I don’t want to say, “I ate mac and cheese and a whole tub of Chubby Hubby and prayed that if I died alone, my cats wouldn’t eat my face before somebody found me.” That is really the Curse of the Single Girl: to keel over randomly with nobody around then have her nose munched on by her feline, her only companion in life.

In order not to fall victim to the continuous hunger that is Bionic Kitty and to have something to do on the Big Day, I have a plan this year. First, I am going to have flowers delivered to myself at work. It seems that at the place where I do Lawyerly Things, women in relationships of more than a year get flowers from their significant others for their birthdays, anniversaries, and V-Day. Well, I don’t have a husband or a boyfriend. I have a cats and darn it, they love me. So, they will send me flowers (with my credit card). Pathetic and loser-ish? Perhaps. Will it make me feel better? Yep. Will I have a bouquet that will be so big that it will border on obscene and tacky? Well, duh. If I have to do it myself, then I am gonna do it gaudy.

Second, I am making myself reservations at Cap City. While it is not the most expensive or most flashy of restaurants, it is what I consider the best in town. I am going to order my favorite dinner and a piece of chocolate cake that is big enough to rival the Great Wall of China. And I will eat it all because I will be wearing my sexy stretchy pants in order to better accommodate my expanded belly. Heck, I might even order dessert first…

Finally, I will go home unwrap the very expensive shoes I intend to buy for myself. I will prance around my house in my very expensive shoes with my hot stretchy pants and drink martinis and fart (because too much chocolate gives me gas). And I might even give Bionic Kitty an extra scoop of cat kibble just in case…

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One Response to “The V-Day Gameplan, Part One”

  1. Lisa Says:

    Well? How did the v-day festivities go??? You can’t just leave your adoring fans hanging!!!

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