In the Dating Trenches, or stuff I’ve recently learned…

1. A tone-deaf, drunken rendition of Jessica Simpson’s classic (crap) ballad “Sweetest Sin” is not the way to attract anybody.

2. If I shave my legs, I won’t get any action. That means not even a phone number from the doofus by the bar. However, if I don’t shave my legs and/or am wearing granny panties because I need to do laundry, the hottest man I’ve ever seen will want to father my love child.

3. When he says his name is Mr. Muffin-Stuffin, that’s my cue to run far, far away.

4. In a club, there is a ten foot zone around the dance floor wherein groping, pinching, and a random butt pat are mysteriously allowed. The typical perpetrator is short, hairy, and/or attempting to look down your shirt. I avoid that zone at all costs.

5. Beer-goggles are effective, but vodka-goggles are even better.

6. If a guy buys me a beer, that is good for five minutes of me listening to him. If the aforementioned man buys me a shot, that is worth ten minutes of semi-interested banter. If he buys me a martini, I will have a real conversation with him for the entire time it takes to drink it. That is all negated, of course, if the guy starts the conversation with any pick up line what-so-ever.

7. My phone number is not 900-SEXALOT, no matter how much I insist that it is. Really, I am just blowing you off. Really. Now, go away.

8. Just because I am in the bathroom line with another woman does not mean we are going to go engage in anything naughty. And even if we were, I doubt you would be invited.

9. I don’t think its too much to ask that if somebody is going to engage in the use of a “wing man,” that the “wing man” speaks English.

10. No, I truly believe that I don’t need a pimp for my ride. I can’t believe you just said that. I’m a God-ferring girl. Or something.

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One Response to “In the Dating Trenches, or stuff I’ve recently learned…”

  1. Laina Says:

    Oh honey, NO! I’ve karaoked with you….not the way to get men. Even if you’re really good, I’m pretty sure karaoke is not the way to get men. Unless you use the mike stand as a makeshift stripper pole.

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