If I won the lottery…

1. Bionic Kitty would be the first cat in the world to have a ball with a bell that could only be heard at cat decibels and I would finally sleep peacefully each night.

2. I would get my toosh professionally kicked on a daily basis by a personal trainer. And if that didn’t make it firm and tight and perky, hello liposuction.

3. I would buy K-Fed’s new album because I would have mullah to burn.

4. My new job title would be “President and CEO.” Of what does not matter. It would just look good on the business cards.

5. After an intensive but stunningly successful lobbying process funded by yours truly, Rachel Ray would be surgically muzzled. The official act of Congress which required this to occur would be entitled “HR Bill 107-96: Make the Gerbil Lady stop talking.” It would be backed by huge popular demand.

6. Diet chocolate would exist. And taste good.

7. I would build a fantastic house and the pool boys would be Nick Lachey (for his abs), Heath Ledger (for his sensual self) and Pat Sajak (because, really, he needs to make a career move).

8. Each month, Amazon.com would automatically send me all the new trashy romance novels that had come out in the last 30 days. But they would all have fake covers that make me look like I was reading intellectual material.

9. I would build a shoe closet that’s as big as my current basement.

10. I would rent my mother some grandchildren


3 Responses to “If I won the lottery…”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Muzzling by acclaimation! I concur!

  2. Laina Says:

    If you can make Giada fat while you’re at it, I’ll buy your ticket.

  3. Anonymous Says:

    Can I have Vanna?? Also I’ll take Giada so noone has to worry about her either. I’m willing to take one or two for the team, that’s the kinda’ guy i am.

    -p- dog (a.k.a. the Know-it-all man)

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