A Play-By-Play of My Brain’s Inner Workings Today

5:40 — Yawn. Hit snooze.
5:50 — Hit it again, damn it.
6:00 — That’s the emergency alarm. Time to get up.
6:01 — Oh, screw it.
6:02 — Hit snooze harder. Maybe the alarm will break.
6:10 — Nuts. That’s the back-up to the emergency alarm.
6:15 — Get. Out. Of. Bed. Or. Face. The. Consequences.
6:16 — What consequences?
6:20 — You are now 40 minutes late… Oh *censored*!!!
6:21-6:47 — (Body functions on auto-pilot; brain refuses to be meaningfully engaged)
6:48 — What smells? Oh, Bionic Kitty, that’s gross.
6:49 — Wait, that’s not cat gas. What’s smoking?
6:50 — Oh, Holy God! The hair dryer is on fire!
6:51 — So’s my hair. Wait. My hair? MY HAIR IS ON FIRE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?! Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit. Shhhhhiiiiiiittttttttt!
6:52 — Toss that sucker into the bathtub! Unplug it! Go! Go! Go! *censored*!!!
6:53 — PutyourheadunderthefaucetandturnitonNOW! Please don’t let me be bald. But then again, maybe this is a good excuse to call in for work.
6:54 — Well, this is just great. Do you have hair left? Is the damage bad?
6:55 — Thank you, Great Hair Goddess. I am not bald.
6:56 — Ack! Work. I am supposed to leave for work in four minutes. I am still naked! And smouldering!
6:57 — Dunk the head again…and wet the whole thing this time.
7:00 — Face it, hair is a lost cause today. Find a pony tail holder. The only real damage is a little singe in the back, right? (scrutinize back of head in the mirror, by twisting and turning and using a compact)
7:01-7:08 — (Mad dash to clothe self, put hair in pony tail, slap on makeup, grab briefcase, keys and get to car)
7:09 — I forgot deodorant. Nuts. I hope I don’t smell too bad…Maybe the charred smell will cover it?
7:10-7:36 — (Driving to work, enter work, turn on computer, etc)
7:37 — Caffeine. Get some caffeine. Does the pop machine sell two liters?
7:38-9:58 — AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACCCCCCK. (Frantically try to do lawyerly things without screwing up too badly)
9:59 — Oh nuts, I really do smell. Can anybody esle smell me? I can REALLY smell myself. I’ve got some serious BO going on here…
10:00-10:57 — (On conference call) I wonder if I can maim myself with the paperclip? Hmmm…Oh! Maybe if I poke my eyes out with a business card I can legitimately leave the call. Is this over yet? When’s lunch? What do I want for lunch? Chipotle sounds good. NO! BE STRONG! RESIST! That would consume all the Points dedicated to beer-drinking. Beer. I want beer. That might make this less painful. Maybe Big Boss is drunk. That could explain the rambling. Ack! Focus! He could be saying something important.
10:58 — Who am I kidding?
10:59 — Freedom!
11:00-11:45 — (Body consumed by hunger. Brain ceases to work in protest. Will not function again until body is refueled, preferably by Chipotle)
11:46 — (Admin returns with lunch) May God bless you and shower you with good things.
11:47 — (Admin reveals she has brought back a cookie to split with me) I love you! You are the best admin ever!
11:48-12:06 — (consume food like starved animal in a suit)
12:07-5:38 — (Working, in semi-productive manner) Must prevent overload. Must continue to function. No carb comas. Get a jump start! Go get another Diet Coke! Now, work! Work! Work!
5:39 — That’s all she wrote. I will cease to function in two minutes, so get to the car while I’m still able to remember where it is parked.
5:40-6:23 — (Stuck in traffic, get to Target, locate aisle E-11) Um, I just need a hair dryer that dries. What’s with this turbo stuff? Ionic? When did these things become physics experiments? Oh, have mercy! This is too much to process! I know, pick the prettiest box! Oh! That one’s pink. Ding, ding, ding! We have a winner!
6:24-7:11 — (Grab pink blow dryer, return to car, drive to meet mother for dinner)
7:12-8:15 — (Gab, gab, gab. Bond.) Note to self: Avoid any discussion of boyfriend status, procreation, small children, reproduction, grandchildren and biological clocks, namely my own ticking one.
8:16-8:29 — (Drive home)
8:30 — (internal comfort-seeking device kicks on) Couch. Couch. Couch. Take off heels. Hallelujah.
8:31 — The inventor of Tivo deserves a Nobel Prize.
8:32 — Surviorman’s hot.
8:33-9:44 — (drooling)
9:44 — Where did I put The Cowering Captive?
9:45 — (locate literature of great merit and content regarding A Great Romance–and throbbing members)
9:46 — (Brain shuts off due to exhaustion, body eventually makes it to bed)

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One Response to “A Play-By-Play of My Brain’s Inner Workings Today”

  1. Laina Says:

    I saw your problem right at the beginning–what’s this getting to work at 7:30 BS? 9:00. No earlier. You’re making the rest of us look bad.

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