Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber

My two cats are fascinated with bodily functions. When I burp or fart, the instantly look around with mystified expressions on their faces. “What was that? Where did it come from?” After the immediate suprise wears off, they glance at each other, as if to say, “Wasn’t me. Was it you? No? Oh my holy God, it was the Big Lady!” Before I know it, I am engulfed in a cat love frenzy. “Do it again, oh please, do it again!” They must be the only creatures on Earth that like fart-ridden air.

A couple of nights ago, I was recovering from a mini-bout of sensitive stomach. I was in bed, sprawled out on my back. Anytime I lay in this position, Bionic Kitty takes it as an invitation to either kneed my bladder or sleep on my neck. Neither is exactly comfortable since she weighs just shy of 20 pounds. This particular afternoon, Bionic started with the bladder and after growing tired from her strenuious attemps to make me pee, decided to go take a nap. As she walked over my stomach, I farted. She moved again, and oops, I let another loose. It slowly dawned on her that she was instrumental in making noxious gas come from my body. Bionic Kitty had a field day dancing a perfect Samba on my stomach, while Number Two got high from sniffing around my hiney.

Lately, they have become even more fascinated with standard bathroom functions. It’s disturbing. If I head to the bathroom, Number Two races in and jumps onto the toilet ring. She peers into the throne to make sure the water is pristine and not swirling. She won’t get off the toilet unless I physically remove her. I’ve tried several times to simply shoo her away, tell her to get down, and I’ve even tried to start sitting on her to make her get off. But my glaringly white butt up close and personal is apparently not enough to make her leave her post. After all, she is a cat that likes smelly air.

Bionic Kitty has her own fixation. Right now, she loves to get into my pants. Literally. Whenever I utilize the facilities, even for the shortest intervals, she immediately tries to jump into whatever is resting down by my ankles. Bionic is no little cat, so this procedure often doesn’t work well. Her jumping abilities are hindered by her belly, her ability to fit totally down a pant leg is non-existent (unless it is a stretchy pair of work out pants), and she can’t grasp the concept of getting stuck, even after multiple uncomfortable encounters. Every time I pee, I have to deal with a cat flailing half in/half out of my pants. And with her partner in crime simultaneously trying to smash her head under my butt to look at the toilet water.

And if I close the door when I use the bathroom, they throw themselves at it. Hard. Until they blast it open with Bionic Kitty’s body weight. So, I just have to surrender to the cats invading my bodily function private time.




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3 Responses to “Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumber”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    You’re cats crack me up!

    I like the pics. 🙂

    -Kel

  2. Laina Says:

    OMG, I love the view of Bionic Kitty in the pants. Trust me, this is good practice for kids. I can’t rip one off without Sam cracking up and going “Mommy farted!” And the other day I had to send him on a “treasure hunt” (“Go find Mommy something red! It’s a treasure hunt!”) so I could poop in peace.

    Oh and did I mention that my cats still harass me TOO? More fun everyday around our house.

  3. pithycomments Says:

    heee, you should totally Purrito Bionic Kitty! It really is fun for the whole family.

    Thankfully my Fuzzbutt hasn’t invaded my personal potty time, but he does stare. A lot. Kinda creepy, especially since he’s got that Mad-Eye Moody thing going on.

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