Grocery shopping in ten minutes or less…

After working 10 to 12 hour days, all I want to do is go home, get into some sweatpants, and watch Alton “Sex on a Plate” Brown talk about the boiling point of wheat germ. Today I was derailed from my usual post-work drooling by the reality that if I didn’t buy milk, lettuce, and soap I would starve and be smelly. I’ve been putting off going to the grocery store for so long that I am now out of everything but a couple of cans of tomato halves and some unidentifiable frozen stuff.

Grocery shopping used to be fun. I could go, buy things with chocolate in them, and I didn’t have to avoid the ice cream section for fear of throwing myself at a freezer, panting with desire. Thanks to my Weight Watchers diet, I mean lifestyle change, grocery shopping is now heavy on the “That’s 8 points for a 1 tablespoon serving, so put it down NOW!” internal dialog. Plus, I when I buy chocolate, it can only be on rice cakes.* This does not encourage grocery shopping.

Shopping is also much more expensive now. I’ve come to understand why Americans are so fat: McDonald’s is cheap, Oreos are cheaper, and Yoohoo is practically free. Tofu and green peppers? Expensive! While in theory I don’t mind paying for healthy food, my inner shoe-shopper is deeply resentful of buying vegetables. Each carrot represents that much less allocated to the really cute black Kate Spade slingbacks with the bow.

So, these days, grocery shopping is not the euphoric experience it once was. Frankly, I avoid it. But social courtesies like hygiene must be faced; soap must be bought. And I really needed some milk for my Fruit Loops.** After work, I caved and headed to Kroger.

The key to shopping quickly is to have a game plan. Basically, know what I want, where to get it, and in what order the aisles appear. At all costs, I must avoid distractions like free samples, the Starbucks counter, anything near the candy aisle, and the cute guy in a suit who walked in before me. While he may be successful and not wearing a wedding ring, this is a MISSION. Making google eyes is a strict no-no.

And, I have to say, I was strong. I stuck to the plan, I went through produce, grabbing lettuce, apples, and taking a good look at cute boy’s hinney. Then I hauled around the store, getting milk, eggs, chicken, a snickers (how’d that happen? it must have been Pavlovian), and soap. On my way through check out, I even managed to do a good butt wiggle for cute suit boy. And all this in 9 minutes, 12 seconds from door to door.

I would just like to say that today, I OWNED Kroger.

*Who eats those things? My dad’s leftover wood shavings probably taste the same.

**Totally Weight Watchers compliant. May God bless the Fruit Loop manufacturers!


One Response to “Grocery shopping in ten minutes or less…”

  1. Anonymous Says:

    Kate, you’re missing the best part of shopping at the grocery store. Checking out the college tail that is there. Also, switch to dark chocolate. it’s good for you!!

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