The Mystery that is Men

I admit that I spend an inordinate amount of time engaging in the analysis of men and relationships. Between my friends’ relationships, my own (or lack thereof), and a constant fascination with the current Britney/K-Fed developments, I probably could be a very productive, contributing member of society if I didn’t spend all that brain power on guy-centered thoughts. Just as I was beginning to run out of good relationships to analyze (since all my friends are in that pre-wedding bliss or post-wedding boink-each-other-madly stage), along came a doozey…

In a nutshell, my friend (no, it’s not me, her name is Amy) has liked this guy friend of hers for a long time. In fact, it’s been so long that I have begun to think of Amy as scarily fixated. Amy’s liked Long Time Crush ffffffoooooooorrrrreeeeevvvvveeeeerrrrrrrrrrrrrr, or for a year and a half, give or take. During that time, she got nothing but mixed signals that range everywhere from “my buddy” to “I want to get in your pants” to “let’s elope to Vegas and then grow old together because it’ll be bliss.” Despite hours of intense, dedicated analysis by a crack team of Female Friends, Long Time Crush’s intentions were never deciphered. Whenever Amy was about to write everything off as overly-friendly-but-still-classified-as-friendly flirting, LTC just reeled her back in with a phone call or interaction or something that clearly wasn’t in the “just pals” category. Then, out of nowhere, LTC started dating some skank*. Of course, Amy was crushed, and after the heartbreak subsided, Amy was left with the question of “should I have said something about my undying love?” Well, the answer to that is obvious…coulda, shoulda, woulda. It was too late, so it essentially became a non-issue and several people (including myself) basically told Amy to suck it up and move on. Harsh, yes, but easier than agonizing needlessly.

Here comes the good part…Saturday night Amy and I had just gone to see the second performance of The Toledo Luggage Problem** and were driving home. Of course Long Time Crush comes up. And Amy drops the Emotional A-bomb: Long Time Crush broke up with the skank several weeks ago and has been calling Amy again***. Being a woman of epic devotion and tenacity, she still is into LTC. The current dilemma is should she say something to LTC about her steadfast crush? Should she risk the friendship? Is it better to know where she stands, and maybe get a relationship out of it, or to always wonder “what if?” but still at least have a friendship?

I feel for Amy. I know I’ve been in this situation before–maybe not as long, but then again, I’m fickle.**** It’s been several days now and due to my lawyerly nature, I’ve dissected every possible scenario, outcome, and the resulting emotional impact on Amy. While it’s lovely fodder for my finely tuned situational-analysis skills, I’m still left with no idea what to tell her. The whole thing frankly sucks a big tootsie roll. Telling Long Time Crush could be wonderful or a huge emotional stompage. Not telling him is perpetual agony.*****

So there it is…My current guy-centered thing to figure out. The only thing I’ve actually figured out from all this is that 1. Men are morons (knew that, so I guess it doesn’t really count); 2. it seems Man School is sadly lacking in that class on what is flirting harmlessly and what is flirting with intention to ask out; 3. Men between the ages of 12 and 47 tend to date skanks, and from 47 to death they just lust after skanks, and anybody who says different is just trying to make the non-skanky women feel better; 4. Men should have an “I like you” sign on their heads, similar to an “occupied” sign on taxis so that women know what’s up; 5. Men are morons (worth repeating).

PS-Insight is always appreciated…More because I like reading comments, but also because if it is good, I can pass it on (and heck, even take credit for soliciting outside counsel).

*Now, I know the skank probably is a very nice person, but I have to hate her on principle.

**Yeppers, they had an encore performance and YOU MISSED IT!!!! WOE IS YOU!!!! AND THEY EVEN SIGNED MY LEFT BUTT CHEEK!!!

***Well, more than normal. They stayed friends, even in the Reign of The Skank.

****Unless you count my obsession with Heath Ledger. Oh, and Matt Damon. And Leo. And The Edge.

*****Well, unless he grows balls, figures out what he wants, and firmly categorizes Amy as Friend or Fuckable.

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