A Renter’s Translation Guide

If the description says (insert word), it really means…

Quaint: Decorated by the owner’s recently departed mother. Doilies are a bonus.

Recently Updated: Yeah, in 1975.

A Steal: It’s so cheap because muggings, rape, and murder are all possible neighborhood social events.

Fully Furnished: Yuck. What are you thinking??

Large: In this context, a synonym for small.

Luxurious: It is in a development and the luxury includes a coin operated laundry onsite that operates at the bargain price of $2 to wash and $2.50 to dry, a “full gym” complete with one set of 5 pound hand weights and somebody’s grandmother’s first exercise bike, and a lake filled with geese that use cars for toilets.

Efficency: You won’t fit if you have a shoe collection.

Campus Area:
Um, riots, hello…

Brand New:
Rent is triple what the equivalent space next door goes for.

No Pets:
Bastards. Who doesn’t want Bionic Kitty?

Extremely Rare:
Because the housing commission condemns places like these, and just hasn’t gotten to this one yet.

Maintained: A place of squalor, arguably used by the last tenant as an opium den or house of ill repute.

(Any direction) of (any neighborhood): The boondocks. Anticipate at least a 40 minute commute.

Save $$$: By putting your life in jeopardy by living there.

Bargain:
Rent recently reduced, but landlord sadly still smoking crack.

Spacious:
Because all the closets have been taken out.

Retro: Exposed wiring from 1943 that screams “Fire Hazard!”

Only Rental I Own: I used to live there, and I got the hell out for a reason…

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