On-Line Dating: the real final frontier

Recently, I decided to join e-harmony. It was a rather desperate attempt to get my love life in order. I’ve been making enough of a hash of it, I figured that Dr. Neil Clark Warren might as well have a shot.

What the e-harmony commercials fail to mention amongst all the “I found my soul mate and I lllllooooooovvvveeeee him so much that I’ve become physically bonded to him” mushiness is how frustrating the entire e-harmony process is. First, I had to fill out the special, patented, relationship profile that was guaranteed to match me up with my ideal soul mate. It asks searching, probing, heart felt questions, but in a multiple choice format or those crazy “on a scale of 1-7” type things. Really, there is no good answer for these. And 1-7? What happened to 1-10? Yet, I had to pick something without the benefit of a “please explain” section. To a lawyer, this is horrible. Everything must be explained, argued, or examined in greater detail. Anything but an essay option is evil (especially when we’re talking life partner here)! And I had to do it for two hours!

Then, the complicated computer matrix took my profile and those of all male e-harmony users between ages 25 and 35 who also conveniently live within 50 miles of my home, and ran some fancy computer matching thing to see if we were compatible. If we were, I got to view their profile. And boy, was that a treat. One of every three talked about how God lead them to e-harmony so they could find a Godly woman to produce Godly children with. After she produced the Godly children and raised them to become disillusioned sinners, the guys all seemed to want to move to Ghana to be missionaries to the Godless. I’m all for a higher power, but somehow I don’t think He comes in the form of Dr. Neil Clark Warren. So, I did what any person who likes to sleep in on Sunday would do: delete, delete, delete. Then, I had to deal with the guys who obviously lacked social skill. They were on e-harmony for a reason, or at least a reason more serious than mine. E-harmony asks what fives things you can’t live without. When a guy picks the videogame Halo or farting or his calculator, there’s generally a problem. I agree that farting is a vital bodily function, and is even one that I regularly participate in, but it is not the type of thing I mention when I first meet people (well, usually), even if I’m letting it all hang out, so to speak. And, I think even my mother would agree that listing Halo and a calculator as vital life components does not indicate strong reproductive potential. So, once again, I made use of the delete button. That left a rather slim potential pool of men, but one I felt sure held my life partner (after all, Dr. Neil Clark Warren said it was so). And better yet, one who I could be on the e-harmony commercials with, spouting on about our love and how we couldn’t have found each other without the genius and personal involvement of Dr. Neil Clark Warren (and the $69.95 for a three month membership).

After I got profiles, I then went through a process of answering yet more multiple choice questions which were selected by the guy in order to learn more about me, but at least this time I got 150 characters in which to make up my own answer. Again, this was a challenge for a legal (re: long winded) mind, but I managed. I also got to pick some multiple choice to inflict. Multiple choice was followed by “Must Haves and Can’t Stands.” Basically, if he’s a lying, cheating, immoral sack of scum, I don’t want him. If I’m too fat, wear bad clothes, and have bad teeth, he doesn’t want me. I generally ignore this part, since most of these guys aren’t in a position to be too picky if they want to reproduce in the next 15 years. I figure, I have the boobs and womb, so I’m holding all the trump cards, right?

Then, the fun starts: short answer questions. There’s a list of questions I got to choose from or I could make up my own. Of course, being of a legal bent, I had to develop my own. I figure this helps to get original answers (‘cause, people are slackers and if they are smart, like I am, they keep a bank of witty, semi-flirty, and spell-checked answers they can copy and paste for popularly asked questions) and to see how invested the guy is in the process. It he tells me that with a bajillion and a half dollars he’s won in a random lottery, all he’s going to do is make sure his family is taken care of, I hit delete. I mean seriously, can he at least mention helping starving children in Zimbabwe or maybe buying a surround sound system for his Halo game? I know he’s thinking about it and maybe even drooling at the prospect.

I still haven’t gotten to the “open communication” part of this process, where Dr. Neil Clark Warren trusts my life mate and I to openly communicate in the safe, protected, character limited e-harmony world. But, when I do, watch out!!


One Response to “On-Line Dating: the real final frontier”

  1. Laina Says:

    OMG, honey, I’m dying laughing over here. Mark and I always joke that we should go on eHarmony and find out if Dr. What’s His Name would match us.

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