The Easter Bunny Closed All the Restaurants

Usually for Easter my family and I go to visit my dad’s relatives. But this year, I was abandoned. My parents went to go visit my sister in Washington, D.C. (I always maintained she was the favorite, and this just helps support that theory) and my aunt was having surgery, so I couldn’t go Youngstown to hunt for eggs labeled with my name. Being the only semi-Christian-ish people the Easter Bunny did not visit (I had to buy my own darn jelly beans and I LIVE AT HOME FOR J.C.’S SAKE), my brother and I decided to go out for dinner to celebrate the holiday. Apparently, Easter is more important than Thanksgiving (re:a nationally sponsored holiday, where stuff is still open despite the federal mandate that everything close while people bond with relatives, eat turkey and be thankful for something). Nothing, and I mean nothing, was open. We went to four restaurants before we finally got smart and realized the Chinese don’t generally celebrate the resurrection. Today, I did not feel like a questionable Christian. Instead, I think I qualified as an honoary Jew. Which on a side note, is probably kind of quasi-ironic or something considering what day it was…

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