My Car Wreck Friend

I have this guy friend that I personally find to be utterly fascinating in social settings. Going out with him is sort of like rubber necking: I know I shouldn’t look, I realize it is a tragedy, but forces beyond my control compel me to stare in abject fascination. Every time he goes to chat up a woman, I am disturbed to find that I must watch. Generally, this is what I find so enthralling:

1. Woman is kind of interested. After all, my friend is cute in his own special way. It’s like a baby billy goat at a petting zoo. Most people don’t really like them, but anything that’s a baby animal has an inherent “Ahhhhhh” factor that excuses things like smell and general stupidity. Same principle applies here.

2. My friend speaks. It doesn’t seem to matter how often I have specifically said, “Pick up lines are NOT A GOOD IDEA!” Hope springs eternal, and the internet is apparently great for finding an untried line.

3. Woman is no longer interested. He might as well have told her that her shoes are ugly or she is fat. She now sees beyond the animal baby factor and realizes my friend is actually socially moronic.

4. Woman runs away. Often, literally.

5. My friend returns to the fold, dejected and battered. At this point, I generally feel bad. But that only lasts for about 2 minutes or until my friend goes to hit on another woman, whichever comes first.

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