The gChat Diaries, Vol. 3

Me: One Halloween, when I was about 12, I went as Bacchus. My mother was not happy. It was a sign, really.

Laina: I’ve come to the conclusion that I might be an asshole.

Me: You know when you get too many tickets and the judge makes you go back to traffic school? Well, I’m doing the same thing for you but with 9th Grade Health Class and condom usage.

Anonymous Friend: Damn abstinence-only education. Fails every time.

Stella: This is the best movie ever.

Me: It’s on HBO?

Stella: Even better…Lifetime!

Me: OMG. Change the channel. Please!

Stella: Whatevs! Sandra Oh and Elliot from Scrubs are in it! Keeps getting better!!

(Later)

Stella: Taye Diggs!!!! This is an all star cast!!!

Me: OMG TIVO THAT BITCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: I don’t understand. How are you in different places in life?

Second Anonymous Friend: DIFFERENT LIKE HE STILL SLEEPS IN A TWIN BED.

Me: Oh. I see.

Me: FYI, vacuuming a down comforter is not easy.

Stella: You are ridiculous.

Me: I can’t help it if the Damn Dog rolled on it while the duvet was off and COVERED it in icky puppy hair and now I can’t get the hair OFF.

Stella: Sick sick SICK.

Me: I want to KILL that dog. I go and vacuum for a few minutes, get irritated and must stop.

Stella: Perhaps the dog was sent from God to serve as the proverbial straw?

Me: Becoming more likely. Every time I go into the bedroom and fire up the vacuum, eCrush is all, “They have programs for people like you.” And I mumble something about humane ways to put down dogs. And boyfriends.

Jill: What the fuck were you thinking?

Me: That’s the question of my life.

Yet more gChat Diaries

A Friend Who Recently Ran For Office (And Won) In Small Town Ohio: So I’m campaigning at a Farm Bureau dinner tonight. I wanted to make a joke about zealously prosecuting anyone who tipped their cows, but I’m not sure of my crowd.

Me: Sell my antibiotics? I don’t think they have a street value.

Anona: I bet with a little marketing you could be as famous at the Venn Diagram Blogger.

Rebekah: Any idea why Jennifer Garner’s toes got voted one of the ugliest celebrity body parts?

Me: When James Lipton asks, “What profession would you not like to do?” Well, I never understood why they don’t mention porn star.

Anona: He (referring to her husband, who is suffering from a skin condition) and Lumpy (her dog) have lots in common these days. Lump is itchy too. He lost the hair on his ass.

Me: Tom or the dog?

Jill: I’ve got to run out the tractor supply.

Me: That statement made me love living in D.C. just a little bit more.

Me: Keeping in mind that I’m lactose intolerant, this is what I’ve had to eat so far today:

Chocolate pudding (label claiming it’s made with REAL milk)

Cheese fondu

Ice Cream

A cherry yogurt

Sarah: How you holding up?

Me: Could this be considered a form of suicide?

The gChat Diaries

The random things people have said lately…

Jill: I think my copy machine is in a union. Might explain why it won’t work.

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Me: It’s not nuts. It’s American.

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RR: I have my inner soundtrack.
Me: You have a soundtrack, I have a dialogue…

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Bekah: BTW, Tropical Fruit Trident is really good.

Me: Meh. I prefer my gum minty. And from the Makers Of Orbitz.

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Me: Oh! I’ll use wheat noodles! That screams “I am posh!” Right?

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Jill: I bet Metro with a tazer would be fun.

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Me: That’s how I was with the Kardashians show. Me, a marathon, couldn’t stop.

Debi: Oh God. Never admit that again.

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Me: As a rule, my life is sucktastic and this here event does not qualify as sucktastical. So, when does the sucktacular come to town?

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Me: Breathalyzers should be attached to all forms of technology. It’ll be a public service. A new way to prevent the drunk dial, the drunk email, you know, the ways we all manage to embarrass ourselves after the vodka’s kicked in.

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Him: I’m going straight.

Me: Then lose the pink popped collar.

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Me: The X-2. Sandwich perfection, with a side of Avocado.

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Friend running for something vaguely political: So my cousin offered to help me go door-to-door…but she wants a job if I get elected. I’m like, I need the jobs to bribe the people who AREN’T obligated to help me because they’re my FAMILY.

Me: So undying love is not enough to get someone to pass out fliers?

Friend running for something vaguely political: Apparently not.

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Me: That’s selfless sacrifice. Are you sure you want to?

Deb: Meh. I’ll just bring booze.

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G-Chat Buddy: Did you know you can buy pee test strips at Wal-Mart? You know, for drug testing.

Me: Seriously?

G-Chat Buddy: Yes. And I have also been told you can get three step kits for getting cocaine out of your system.

Me: Well, that’s handy.

(a minute goes by)

Me: Porno?

G-Chat Buddy: How about Porn Star: The Legend of Ron Jeremy?

Me: They really have got everything.

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Me: I got seven hits to my blog in a row from freaking Congress. Looks like the Senate flunkies are bored. Shouldn’t people at those places be doing real work and not reading my blog during work hours?

G-Chat Pal: Staffers are bored too, yo.

Me: Sure, but save the environment or something instead.

G-Chat Pal: But saving the environment v. reading your blog…I don’t think they’ll find that choice difficult. I Mean, f*ck you dolphins, f*ck you! Katherine almost drowned her cat…hahahaha.

Me: Wonder what they were like when that white bangle tiger ate Roy?