Get Toasted: A BSG Drinking Game

As an FYI to the Seven Loyal Readers who aren’t full-fledged Geeks and thus unaware, tonight’s the Finale of Battlestar Galactica. Since I know you were wondering, they’ve found Earth but it was all nuked and depressing. Kara Thrace’s Special Destiny is still unclear. And the human population count has dwindled to numbers that make incest increasingly acceptable. As a Girl Geek, I, of course, plan to spend the night on the couch, wearing my BSG tee, and twittering spoilers to all my Tivo-using friends. Also, I’m Officially Predicting The Following:

• Everybody returns to Kobil, thus starting the whole frakkin’ cycle over again.
• Kara’s daddy is Daniel, the boxed and aloof 13th Cylon.
• Kara and Lee finally do the Horizontal Tango in a moment of post-saving-humanity bliss, despite Kara being a semi-Cylon.
• Anders never gets out of the Goo Bath.
• Adama dies in a moment of suicidal heroic splendor, but only after Roslin finally succumbs to The Slowest Killing Breast Cancer In The Galaxy and goes to the Big Gods In The Sky.

And because I like to commemorate Television Events by posting a drinking game, I’ve developed a sure-fire way to become blotto before Starbuck saves the entire frakking universe during the second hour. So, BSGers, write your will on 8-sided paper, make peace with the Gods, and settle in for liver doom.

ONE DRINK:

• Adama takes off or puts on his glasses dramatically
• Adama uses his Glare of Death; bonus drink if Cottle deflects it with his own Scowl of Intense Disapproval
• Adama does something “captainy,” like crushing walnuts in his hand or building a model ship
• Adama has a Moment with Starbuck
• Adama has a Moment with Lee
• Boomer tries to prove she’s really nice and not evil
• Boomer is angry/unhappy/depressed/suicidal
• Gaius is talking to Ghost Six
• Roslin makes a heartfelt and inspiring impromptu speech to the Fleet
• Starbuck and Lee Adama stare at each other for non-work-related reasons
• Thigh yells, “Gods Damnit!”

TWO DRINKS:

• Somebody says a multi-word curse using Frak (e.g. mother frakker)
• Anytime there’s an 8-sided paper item
• Somebody is airlocked; extra sip if Roslin commands it
• They spin up the FTL only to have it initially fail, then miraculously work at the Very Last Possible Second
• Lady McTigh ever sleeps with her husband again
• Six isn’t showing cleavage
• Starbuck demonstrates a previously unknown but still nifty talent/ability/skill
• Starbuck hops into bed on a barely-considered whim
• Tori tries to get her own way

THREE DRINKS:

• Adama cries; chug if it’s over Roslin’s deathbed
• Anders wakes up
• Lee stops being a self-righteous douche
• Starbuck does her open-mouthed hyena laugh
• Starbuck is happy
• There’s a scene on a Fleet ship besides the Galactica

CHUG:

• They unveil Daniel or any other extra Cylon models
• Galactica collapses
• Humanity does not survive
• The entire series leaps ahead a year
• Baltar is revealed as the traitor who betrayed the Colonies and actually can’t weasel out of it
• Dualla resurrects
• Ghost Six’s existence is confirmed and revealed

BONUS:

• Anyone says any variant of “frak” besides the multi-word curse: just kind of wave at the screen
• Lee in a towel: Thank the Gods and then drink until your pulse returns to normal
• Anytime Grace Parker appears: shout which character you think she is (Eight, Sharon, Athena, Boomer or Other) and if you’re correct, hand your beer to someone who got it wrong

Wanted, Or An Advertisement of Sorts

Seeking 15 to 20 hench(wo)men for a Supervillian Conglomerate specializing in enslavement and/or eradication of the male species.

Acceptance into organization contingent on the following:

• Willingness of applicant to wear association-approved costume. All uniforms must be sex-kitten in nature, include official supervillian logo, and be bullet/knife/ray gun-proof. Androgynous outfits will be considered on a case-by-case basis.
• The flexible moral code of applicant.
• A comprehensive and thorough demonstration of unwavering loyalty.
• Ability to acquire new skills (i.e. the proper operation and utilization of proprietary equipment, like the Gender Equalizing Ray or the Genital Defixiator Beam).
• Proficiency in hostage taking (must be able to tie knots that hold!), assorted megalomaniacal behaviors, and general reliability in pitched battle (possibly to the death).
• Proven aptitude in Sinister Laugh or Monologuing At Inopportune Times about the End Of The World and/or General Injustice and/or “You Have Not Seen The Last Of Me.”

To apply, please send resume and cover letter highlighting all previous hench(wo)men experience; any capers foiled by a superhero/vigilante/personal nemesis; salary requirements; and reasons for joining an organized league of villainary. Applicants should be advised that priority will be given to candidates who exhibit the following:

• Unique obsessions/powers/abilities which give rise to a distinctive alias/alter ego/persona. Also, the organization has a “no duplication of powers” policy.
• General bitterness towards men. That of the “scorned woman” variety preferred.
• Willingness to take orders from an Evil Genius and work as part of a team towards a shared goal of global mass destruction and mayhem. Lone-wolves welcome to apply in case of possible future contractor needs.
• Connections to a corrupted government official, dishonest police chief, or rouge military general with nuke-access a plus.

The organization offers comprehensive medical and dental benefits, including coverage of hospital stays due to poisoning, melting by water, or return-to-true-form operations. No vision coverage is available, no matter how many eyes an applicant has. Also, please be advised that night vision goggles are an out-of-pocket expense.

The vacation policy is generous; however vacations are unpaid and any freelance villain activity undertaken during vacation/national holidays must be pre-approved by the organization.

A company-subsidized legal team and jail/prison/magical realm escape service are available for use by employees and their registered underlings.

Also, there is continued opportunity for career growth and outstanding promotion potential within the organization. However, any plots to overthrow/subvert/teleport to a distant galaxy the EvilGenius will be dealt with in a swift but still excruciating manner. Upon completion of the conglomerate’s new tele-cloaked headquarters, there will be interminable expansion potential due to the organization’s recent theft of a Top Secret Earth Shattering Threat Causing Machine from a subversive government agency. Further, the organization wishes to develop an Intergalactic Cosmic Invasion Unit in the near future.

Please be advised there is a constant, high turnover rate with regard to the position of right-hand-person to Evil Genius. The right-hand position requires great attention to detail and highly developed computer/technology knowledge. The job also involves a high risk of maiming, incarceration, incineration, impregnation, implantation, transportation to other dimensions and, possibly, death.