A few weeks ago, a friend sent a text that read, “Started my Metro journey to your place. Watch for my SOS flare.” I responded with a pithy comment about Rosslyn not being that far into the NoVA interior. An hour later, my guest arrived at Chez Apartment, demanding life-sustaining rations and declaring that true friendship is demonstrated by trips on the Orange line. To certain residents of the District (i.e. all of them), crossing the river only occurs under duress or with bribery. This particular friend made the pilgrimage because I promised everything short of sexual favors. And also, because I was in the midst of a breakup induced non-showering-slothy-mess phase and she didn’t want to be seen in public with me. Clearly, NoVA is where Washingtonians go only in extremis.
When I moved to the Metro area, I didn’t know about the Great Potomac Divide. I figured Rosslyn was the ideal compromise between square footage and paying heart-attack inducing rent. It had two Metro lines and Georgetown Cupcake was in easy walking distance. But I was geographically naive. Instead of experiencing neighborhood envy, I’ve endured zip code ostracization for over a year. And I’m tired of it. I’ve vowed to move into the District, even if I’ve got to prop up a box on the corner of 18th and U.
The Apartment Hunt has been in progress for about a month. Daily, I scour Craigslist. I rearrange lunch meetings so I can see just-listed English Basements and one bedrooms. But so far, nothing has met the Criteria List. A friend recently suggested that my real estate expectations are a wee bit unrealistic. However, I maintain that somebody somewhere has the ideal home for me and my demonic cats. My dream residence would include an in-apartment washer/dryer, at least 550 square feet, adequate shoe storage possibilities, minimal stair-climbing (or an elevator), it wouldn’t smell sketchy or be excessively fugly, and it would have access to decent Chinese delivery. It’s also gotta be in the Geographically Approved Zone. A one bedroom is preferred and bonus points will be awarded for cute, single, straight male fellow residents and/or bar proximity. Really, I don’t think it’s too much to ask for.