A Valentine’s Day Gift Guide For The Bitter

Just because I’m generally shunning affairs of the heart doesn’t mean the rest of the world is. But on the off chance you too have recently been cheated on, left for (emotionally) dead and are consequently considering a lesbian lifestyle, I’d like to offer some help in surviving the upcoming holiday. Behold, the Gift Guide For The Bitter. Between this and a bottle of Ketle One, you’re set.

V is for Vodka T-shirt. Please, somebody buy me this. Size Large, to better accommodate by breasteses.

Never has a statement tee been so accurate.

Pop Art. A four step process:

1. Take a photo of yourself giving the one-fingered salute.
2. Have it turned into a nifty Warhol-ish type masterpiece.
3. Send to Ex with a pithy note.
4. Consider it $130 well spent.

Similar to this, but with you and your middle finger.

Drunk Dial Prevention. To ensure all post-breakup dignity remains intact.

The Condom Box. Because cigarette cases are passe.

Buy the stainless steel case. It'll double as a compact.

STD Stuffed Animals. In fourth grade, there was the “I Love You” teddy bear. Think of this as the adult variety.

The Hallmark version of Chlamydia.

Bittersweet Conversation Hearts. Because I LUV U is out and CALL A 900# is in.

Chocolate Penis Mold. This is one you can use your teeth on.

Make yourself a treat. But be warned: once you go coca, you'll never go back.

A Pocket Rocket. The battery operated boyfriend. Better stock up on your triple A’s at the same time.

Monkey Business Surefire Compound Bow. Cupid has got nothing on you.

Ready? Aim? FIRE! Preferably towards his genitle region.

I’ve Moved On Card. It’s blank inside. If you write small, you could probably include all your helpful suggestions on how he could improve his bedroom performance.

Feel free to write in "asshole" somewhere on the front.

Dead Fred Pen Holder. Yeah, you could get the Voodoo Knife Block. But this lives in your cubicle, so you can jab with a bit more frequency.

It would only be better if it screamed each time you poked it with a ballpoint.

Magic Date Ball. Will he get food poisoning? Will he have male pattern baldness? Will his dog die in an unexplainable Zip Car drive by?

Will he be in a tragic accident where he loses his balls?