Things I’ve Recently Learned From My Spam Email

• Only my confirmation is needed.
• My penis size is average. And it wants to be better.
• I can fix my male pattern baldness.
• My earning potential is unlimited. Especially if I invest in black market stock derivatives.
• I am constipated.
• I have a love weapon!
• And a stick of pleasure!
• I want to start a home business selling goldfish. This will lead to real money and early retirement.
• My true love is the 350 pound mullet-sporting theater nerd from high school.
• My secret life as a Goth Swinger is actually not-so-secret.
• Approval is always guaranteed.
• If I break the chain, I will incur 83 years of bad luck. But that can be avoided for a mere $19.95 plus shipping and handling.
• Big Things are going on. Big, big Things.
• I too can become a Real Man.
• My previously unknown friend Sharon loved the results.
• Lagos Nig is the newest state admitted to the Union and I can get the commemorative coin and plate to prove it.
• My shooting volume is inadequate.
• I dig Russian mail order brides.
• This breakthrough formula is only available for a limited time. Which means forever.
• My future happiness lies in penal enlargement.
• The best things in life – shoes and sundry electronics – are actually free when I click this button.
• I’ve won awards I didn’t even know existed. And yes, they can be put on my resume.
• This last chance will in fact be followed by another last chance. Probably on Tuesday.
• Shipping costs will be waived exclusively for me.
• Bill Gates wants to share.