Dear Metro Muckity Mucks:
It has come to my attention that you are implementing random bag searches. Since nobody likes to be blown up during their morning commute, I appreciate the pathetic lame attempt at extra security. I’m confident that an 8 to 10 second search, conducted by a team of five to eight super-specially trained Metro Police, is going to catch the Big Bad among the million riders. Yup. I have faith. I mean, if Metro can keep the trains running so efficiently, this search thing is going to be cake.
Also, I would like to take this opportunity to volunteer for a bag search. You heard me, Metro. Pick me! Pick me! Because, as of tonight, I am going to be carrying around a little something just for the Metro PoPo. It’s battery operated, purple, and vibrates. Some people refer to it as The Rabbit. I think of it as my gift to the Metro Ridership.